"HOW TO WIN FRIENDS
AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE"
SELF-HELP CRITIQUE

       Dale Carnegie’s self-help book “How To Win Friends and Influence People” teaches readers interested in improving their social skills how to befriend other people as well as persuade others to action through understanding their needs and ways of thinking. Using examples from stories of everyday social situations, and highlighting conversations between important figures in history that demonstrate either positive or damaging social habits, Carnegie covers several basic yet important social principles to improve people’s relationships and influence on others in their lives. This book is, as Carnegie describes, an “action book” where readers are to personally apply the lessons in their everyday interactions with others to reach their potential, transform parts of their lives, and no longer be limited by their habitual social mistakes. 
 

        Carnegie’s very first piece of advice for readers who desire to be more likable to those around them is to avoid criticizing or complaining about other people’s behavior or personal traits. His reasoning is that while many people believe that pointing out bad behavior will cause others to change out of embarrassment, people tend to perceive criticism as a character attack and react by rationalizing their own behavior to protect themselves.  Choosing a mindful way of getting others to change their behavior is sensible, since criticism generally is a direct threat to people’s concept of their positive face, or the public image of themselves that people strive to maintain in public and social situations. Outright criticism might make people feel the need to save face, or defend their public image, leaving them closed off to harsh comments on their behavior. Also, using positive persuasion strategies, which are ways of persuading other people using rewards and/or praise, prove to work better than negative persuasion strategies, which involve shaming, coercion, and other forms of deconstructive communication that can upset another person (Alexopoulos, 2019, slide 6, 8). Generally, using benevolent persuasion, which involves showing concern for the other party during the act of persuasion, helps to gently yet effectively suggest others to do something – as it is intended to emphasize how the other party benefits while also displaying the persuader’s good intentions (Alexopoulos, 2019, slide 7).

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        In the next chapter in the book, Carnegie suggests readers can learn to be more persuasive and have people respond enthusiastically by mastering the ability to frame suggestions in ways that match the needs of the other party. Carnegie stresses that convincing people to do what you want only works by both understanding and tending to a problem from their point of view, since people are generally only interested in their own wants. Asking someone to do something sometimes may feel like imposing – specifically because the act might threaten one’s negative face, or the idea of people’s innate want to be free of responsibilities that others put on them (Alexopoulos, 2019, slide 6). Therefore, framing a request or suggestion to be mutually beneficial usually helps to reduce the feeling of obligation or burden that may come with doing someone a favor. This advice also fits in line with benevolent and positive persuasion strategies that acknowledge the importance of caring about and addressing the other person’s needs. Specifically, using emotionally appealing language or speaking to the other person’s character through emotionally laden persuasion, as well as stating compliance benefits  to spell out how another person’s choice to help you will also directly help him or her may also work best when asking others to do things that may mostly benefit you (Alexopoulos, 2019, slide 5).

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        Another fundamental key to convincing people to do what you want that Carnegie argues is showing appreciation and tapping into peoples’ inherent need to feel important. Carnegie explains that people feel more encouraged and tend to respond best to recognition of their good behavior, since praise acknowledges the sense of importance that goes extremely unfulfilled in most people’s day-to-day lives. He asserts that since people’s desire to be important and recognized drives them to action, showing gratitude and enthusiasm towards others motivates them to act more favorably and be more open to what it is that you want them to do. Although it is generally associated with romantic relationships, this idea of showing appreciation that Carnegie discuses here is similar to the concept of love languages, or the distinct ways of expressing and recognizing love and care for others in relationships (Alexopoulos, 2019, slide 6). Just as someone is likely to feel validated and seen if a partner reciprocates according to the love language the individual “speaks in” and prefers in a relationship, other people might also better respond to specific gestures in a neutral or friendly context. Carnegie’s advice to verbally express appreciation is perfectly sound, though nonverbal forms of expression like compliments, quality time, acts of service, and gifts also work according to an individual’s known preference.

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        Similarly, on the topic of building friendships, Carnegie claims that making more friends requires one to act selflessly and become highly interested in other people. He advises readers to put energy into potential friendships by focusing conversations with other people on what they want, as well as being genuinely interested or curious towards others – since people usually like other people who admire them. This advice falls in line with the psychological theory of implicit egotism, which predicts that people will be subconsciously drawn to people, activities, and things that remind them of themselves (Alexopoulos, 2019, slide 2). Naturally, Carnegie’s advice would probably work when forming relationships with people who like themselves, since implicit egotism dictates that people gravitate towards others who show an interest in or subconsciously mirror them. On the other hand, this other-focused piece of advice may potentially conflict with aspects of the dialectics theory in friendships, which predicts that there are varying degrees of interpersonal experiences that people undergo in relationships, such as the need for openness or privacy, independence or intimacy, and newness or stability (Alexopoulos, 2019, slide 5). While some potential friends may enjoy being with someone who is curious about them, self-discloses, and willing to indulge their hobbies and interests – other friends may want privacy and separation of both parties during the early stages of friendship.

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        Lastly, one other recommendation Carnegie gives for readers to be majorly well-received is to smile at others more. Carnegie argues that a genuine smile reveals that you enjoy the people in your presence, and makes you more likable because, again, people like people who like them. Smiling also encourages conversation and can easily dissipate social tension because people automatically come to associate you with warmth, positivity, and friendliness. On one hand, it is true that smiling and using positive representational facial expressions to match how we feel can be a great way to connect to other people (Gamble, 2019, p. 163). Though, using other kinds of kinesics, which are nonverbal forms of communication using movement and/or appearance, are also great ways of expressing amicability. For instance, careful use of paralinguistic cues, such as speaking in a cheerful and upbeat tone, and using open body posture or orientation in a conversation is also another valid way of making others feel at ease and show responsiveness in social situations (Alexopoulos, 2019, slide 4).

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       Overall, “How To Win Friends and Influence People” offers mostly sound advice for people wanting to improve their social skills and certain aspects of their relationships.

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References
Alexopoulos, C. (2019). Interpersonal Attraction and Initiation [PowerPoint presentation]. 
Retrieved from CAMS.
Alexopoulos, C. (2019). Nonverbal Communication [PowerPoint presentation]. 
Retrieved from CAMS.
Alexopoulos, C. (2019). Power and Persuasion F19 [PowerPoint presentation]. Retrieved from
CAMS.
Alexopoulos, C. (2019). Verbal [PowerPoint presentation]. 
Retrieved from CAMS.
Gamble, T. K. (2019). The Interpersonal Communication Playbook. Los Angeles, CA: SAGE.